I was born to be a sad kid…

Y’all have to bear with me. I feel the need to get these all out. To unravel myself as a person. To be laid bare and not have it thrown back in my face. This urge to make sense of myself.

I cried all the time as a child. Growing up in the chaos of abuse I didn’t know how else to express what I felt. I cried almost everyday of my childhood even into the double digits.

I’m the only girl and the youngest. I am two to five years younger than all of them. As a kid I could go days without talking to anyone. It was easy no one really wanted to talk to me anyway. I didn’t speak up as much to my step dad so they feel like I had it a lot easier. (I did pull a knife out on him once when he hit my brother.)

My point is I was alone as a kid. The friends I had used me. No one wanted me around. I wasn’t allowed/didn’t know how/couldn’t express myself in words. So I cried everyday all the time.

The problem is no one wants to hear that and no one takes that seriously. I was tired of being the crybaby with easily hurt feelings. I didn’t want to be so goddamn sensitive.

I started to bottle it up. I wouldn’t say how I felt. I didn’t cry about it.

I don’t know when it started I think it was 7th grade. I started cutting myself. I was so afraid to burden other people with my sadness. I took it all out on myself. I did that on and off until I was 16. I remember when I was quitting I would snap a rubber band on my wrist instead. It was red and swollen all the time.

I remember the time I tried to get help for it before I actually stopped. I showed my mom and she told me i was her greatest disappointment. That was the day I stopped giving any fucks about anyone. Later on she would periodically “joke” about sending me to a mental institution when I did things she didn’t like.

My self esteem was still really low after all that, but in the words of Maya Angelou “still I rise.”

I am so outspoken now. I’m honest to a fault. I won’t let shit build up inside me anymore and take it out on myself or others(we will get to those) in fucked up ways. I will not let people treat me as if I don’t matter.

I matter every fucking day. I matter every fucking day.

 

Nov 2014.

To Sir with Love,

The Cosmic Goddess

I know what this looks like…

I know what you’re thinking.

“This kid’s resolution was to start a blog in the 2,017th year of our lord and savior.”

Let me start by defending myself and saying you’re wrong.

It just so happens to be the beginning of the year and I just so happen to be up at almost 3 o’ clock in the morning thinking I’m important enough to have a blog.

The great thing about it is that I don’t really need to be of any great importance at all.

That’s the first point I want to make. To anyone who stumbles across this and takes the time to read it and to myself; you don’t have to be a certain type of person to do something and put yourself out there.

You just have to do it.

To Sir with Love,

The Cosmic Goddess