Y’all have to bear with me. I feel the need to get these all out. To unravel myself as a person. To be laid bare and not have it thrown back in my face. This urge to make sense of myself.
I cried all the time as a child. Growing up in the chaos of abuse I didn’t know how else to express what I felt. I cried almost everyday of my childhood even into the double digits.
I’m the only girl and the youngest. I am two to five years younger than all of them. As a kid I could go days without talking to anyone. It was easy no one really wanted to talk to me anyway. I didn’t speak up as much to my step dad so they feel like I had it a lot easier. (I did pull a knife out on him once when he hit my brother.)
My point is I was alone as a kid. The friends I had used me. No one wanted me around. I wasn’t allowed/didn’t know how/couldn’t express myself in words. So I cried everyday all the time.
The problem is no one wants to hear that and no one takes that seriously. I was tired of being the crybaby with easily hurt feelings. I didn’t want to be so goddamn sensitive.
I started to bottle it up. I wouldn’t say how I felt. I didn’t cry about it.
I don’t know when it started I think it was 7th grade. I started cutting myself. I was so afraid to burden other people with my sadness. I took it all out on myself. I did that on and off until I was 16. I remember when I was quitting I would snap a rubber band on my wrist instead. It was red and swollen all the time.
I remember the time I tried to get help for it before I actually stopped. I showed my mom and she told me i was her greatest disappointment. That was the day I stopped giving any fucks about anyone. Later on she would periodically “joke” about sending me to a mental institution when I did things she didn’t like.
My self esteem was still really low after all that, but in the words of Maya Angelou “still I rise.”
I am so outspoken now. I’m honest to a fault. I won’t let shit build up inside me anymore and take it out on myself or others(we will get to those) in fucked up ways. I will not let people treat me as if I don’t matter.
I matter every fucking day. I matter every fucking day.
To Sir with Love,
The Cosmic Goddess